Have you ever wondered why some people seem to cope really well when their relationship ends? I’m not talking about the people who have already disengaged from the relationship before it ends. I am referring to are those people who are taken by surprise and left high and dry by their partner and yet still seem to cope rather well. What is it that they possess or do that enables them to cope with such a distressing situation?

The starting point of coping with negative emotions is to be aware of them and understand that you can influence them. Ask yourself which of the following categories you fall into:-

• Self Aware

These people are aware of their moods as they are happening. They

usually tend to be in good psychological health and optimistic. They do not ruminate or obsess about negative moods and can come out of them quickly.

• Engulfed

These people often feel swamped by emotions which seem to be in charge. They are not very aware of their feelings and so get lost in them. They do little to change their mood and feel as though they have no control of their emotional life.

• Accepting

These people are aware of their moods but tend to accept them; they do nothing to change their emotional distress because they believe that there is nothing they can do.

If you fall into either of the last two categories you could benefit greatly by learning about your emotions and the simple techniques that can change your moods.

If you fall into the first category but find yourself overwhelmed by the flood of emotions experienced when a relationship breaks up you can still benefit from many of these techniques.

An old Japanese story tells of an unsettled Samurai who challenged a Zen Master to explain the concept of heaven and hell. The monk told him to go away and figure it out for himself which enraged the samurai to a point were he drew his sword. “I could kill you for your impertinence” he raged at the monk; “That” the monk replied “is hell”.  Seeing that his rage was indeed hell the samurai calmed down and thanked the monk for the lesson. “And that” said the monk “is Heaven”

The negative emotions experienced during a relationship break up may be view in much the same way; heaven or hell. The road to heaven is long and rocky but by becoming aware of your emotions and the negative impact they have on your life you may be able to make better decisions and have better outcomes.

The more you learn and understand about both your emotions and those of your ex/partner the smoother your break up will be. Knowledge of your emotions enables you to have more control over them and also prevents you from over reacting to the emotional outbursts of you ex/partner. Let’s face it, negative emotions do not move us to a happier place, in fact they do the opposite.

Next time you feel like having an emotional outburst or react to someone else’s ask your self this question “is this behaviour moving me toward heaven or dragging me back to hell?”

Naturally you may need to sort out some issues with your ex/partner but they will be much easier to handle if you can keep your head. If you find that you cannot converse with one another in a calm manner then you would be well advised to take a long break and have no contact.

On final point, we live in the present so this moment is your life; not yesterday not tomorrow, this moment. So what is it to be, Heaven or hell? The choice is yours to take so long as you realise that fact.

Sometimes life requires us to do the opposite of what we feel is the right and safe choice. This is never more apt than when we find ourselves in a state of emotional distress after a relationship break up. Every bone in our bodies tells us that clinging on to our relationship is surely the only way to cure ourselves of the terrible affliction of emotional pain. In reality nothing could be further from the truth because our emotions have a purpose which is to motivate us to take action; move away from the source of pain.

Walking away from a relationship does not have to be a “forever” decision because nothing in life is set in stone. It is much easier to walk away knowing that if you decide to return to the relationship that option is open to you. That is why the person who makes the initial decision to leave is often perceived to be coping better that the person who is “left behind”.

By making the decision that the relationship in its present form is not what you want you send a powerful message to your emotions that all is well with the world and you are not is any distress. This one decision can relieve so much of your anxiety that is essential for you to make it. This decision will serve you in many ways:-

1. Immediate reduction in stress levels
2. Reduction in craving to be with your ex
3. Takes the power of decision away from your ex
4. Increases your self confidence when dealing with your ex

Go on do the opposite of what feels safe make the brave decision to walk away and start living again. You never know how your ex will react to their loss of power.

Going through a relationship break up can be a very scary experience even for “seasoned professionals” who have been through it all before. One question people what answered is “how long is the pain going to last?” Of course there is no definitive answer but one thing is definite; if you stand still and do nothing it is going to last a very long time.

Only by making decisions and acting on them are you likely to make progress away from the source of your pain. The difficulty in taking action is that human beings fear the unknown and as a result will often endure pain and distress much longer than is necessary. Their fear of the unknown is greater than the pain they experience in trying to cling onto their damaged relationship.

Often in life the right to do seems the opposite of what our logic tells us “surely if I do that then this will happen”. Not necessarily and in fact you will be very surprised at the results you achieve when you take brave decisions.

The Saying “Fortune Favours the Brave” comes from the Latin Phrase “Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat” which means that Fortuna, the Roman goddess of luck, is more likely to help people who take action. The saying has been around since the second century BC, 2200 years, and today is used by organisations such as the US Marine Corp and sports clubs throughout the world.

So the message to anyone suffering from a painful relationship break up is “get lady luck on your side”; make courageous decisions. Dis-empower your ex by deciding to move on.